Purpose

I am writing this on a particularly bad day. Mums, you know the ones. Everyone’s whinging and its nearly dinner, bath & bed. The youngest is doing the over tired cry and the eldest, actually he’s not being too bad. Maybe it’s me. I’ve tried his bouncer, the pram, calming music and the baby carrier. All I know is I can’t deal with this for another two hours. After everyone’s fed I bundle us in the car just in their nappies and vests and we go for a drive. Hunter (6 months) is just dropping off and Jaxon (17 months) screams. FML. Turn classic FM up and just keep driving.
I feel emotionally and physically drained today and cannot wait for nursery to re-open Monday. It will only be one afternoon away from both children but it will make all the difference. They need it as much as me. Lockdown has been tough on all of us in so many different ways, for me it’s been not having any social interaction. What keeps me going on a regular week is baby groups and seeing my mum friends. I have been on maternity leave continuously since November 2018 (20 months) and have completely lost sight of who I am. It’s been a tough old journey into motherhood whilst trying to be a good wife, friend, sister etc. Don’t get me wrong I am incredibly lucky to have two happy, healthy boys. What more could you want? But it’s definitely ok to say ‘Today I am struggling’, ‘Sometimes I wish I wasn’t in the midst of nappies, milk & naps’, ‘I would like to have some time to myself’. The thing is pre-baby, meeting my husband and working full time, it’s all I dreamt of. A family all of my own. Now I have that and find some days such a struggle that I start questioning everything. So exactly what is my purpose if I thought it was being a mother and now I am not so sure. (Jaxon is currently kicking the Laptop; I think he wants my attention. Be right back)
Where was I.. So yes my purpose. Two under two. Is tough. My husband is incredibly hard working and is an excellent father. But the times he’s working/out on his bike/at the pub its incredibly lonely and isolating. I’m hoping my imminent return to work will lift my spirits but at the same time I’m completely anxious about going back. I’m anxious about missing out on one dinner, bath, bed once a week. Am I bi-polar?!  This is not a woe is me post, there are people far worse off but we are allowed to talk about what is going on in our own heads. I am 100% sure I am not alone in my thoughts. The truth is I’m not sure what my purpose is but maybe its ok that I don’t know yet. I’m trying to raise two small humans without being put into a mental home, that for now, is enough.

Emily.