Tag: love

Gratitude

Posted on by Two under Two

Being a parent is undoubtedly one of the toughest jobs in the world. Yet it requires no prior training or certification. We personally did do a ‘parenting day course’ but I’m telling you now, a days worth of information does not set you up for the shit storm that is heading your way. It was, however, incredibly informative and we did learn things we didn’t know. My husband hated being dragged into a ‘hi, my names brad and we are 32 weeks pregnant’ semi circle, as if we were at an AA meeting. Its not his scene. But he was amazing as he is in any situation and he too learned something. I was completely emotionally unprepared for having our first baby. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. As they say, we had all the gear and no idea. But ironically there is NO way you can emotionally prepare. So really you’re loosing before you’ve even begun (sorry I couldn’t put that a little softer to you).

Before your baby even enters the world you are exhausted. You can’t sleep at night for being so uncomfortable, you can’t eat the same anymore because there’s no room! Labour could result in days without sleep and then this little thing enters the world that you are solely responsible for. The hormones after you give birth are raging and you are in a complete bubble of love. You are so proud of yourself for what you have just achieved. But you have now been given the gift of an alarm clock that wakes every 3 hours throughout a 24 hour period. At night time it takes around an hour and a half  to feed, wind and settle. Then you probably need to pump the rest of your milk, if your breastfeeding. So you may get 45 mins if your lucky once you drop off before the next crying alarm sounds again. Why did no one tell me?! It was a shock. I knew it was going to be hard, but not this hard. Sleep deprivation is actually a form of torture in some countries and I see why. Me and my husband used to have arguments of who was more tired and who had gotten more sleep. At the time they felt like marriage ending (heated) conversations but they were actually ridiculous and we laugh about it now. You are just so exhausted that every little thing gets you emotional. Things that never used to annoy you about your partner will be completely magnified. I genuinely wanted to jack it all in and run away. Hello postpartum depression. That’s a topic for another day.

Adjusting to having a baby is mind blowing. When Jaxon was born he was poorly and ended up in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Are you ready for a birth story? He was taken from me 14 hours after he was born. It was 4am when they took him and I was all alone on the ward as my husband had rightly gone home to get some rest. It was one of the worst times of my life. I remember crying on the phone to my mum after my husband had left so panicked that I wasn’t ready to do it on my own as I didn’t know what I was doing. Obviously I didn’t sleep not knowing if Jaxon was ok but I was also relieved that they had taken him to look after him. Relieved. Not that he was sick in neonatal but because I had help as I genuinely felt so anxious that I was not up to the job. It was completely overwhelming. As soon as I was allowed too I went up to the NICU ward to see him. My heart sank as I saw him in his incubator covered in wires and tubes. All I wanted to do was hysterically cry but there was a room full of other parents and babies so I managed to hold it together until my husband got there. My husband is one of those manly men, a builder, you know the ones. I have only ever seen him cry once and that was at a funeral. He has since admitted that after coming up to the ward and seeing Jaxon just as I did, he went back outside ‘for a fag’ and sat in his van and cried. We genuinely didn’t know if our baby was going to live as they thought he had sepsis. I realised I hadn’t had a picture with Jaxon yet as after giving birth I was wired up to fluids for 5 hours. During labour I had haemorrhaged and lost a lot of blood. They got him out of the incubator and let me have a photo with him. We had to leave him once again as they needed to do a lumber puncture on him. This is a procedure where they have to physically fold the baby in half and find the exact right point on the spine to extract spinal fluid. This is to check if any bugs had gone to his brain. There first attempt was unsuccessful so he had this done twice. It was an awful five or six days but all was well in the end. He had a chest infection and fluid on the lungs. Not great for a newborn but also not life threatening. This is all thanks to every single nurse/doctor/consultant we met and spoke too. They were absolutely incredible in every way. They all have my total admiration and I do not have one bad thing to say about the care we all received. I am so thankful for the NHS and all the amazing staff. 

I always think back to those first hours after he was born. I wasn’t the one to change his first nappy or dress him. Then when he was taken up to the unit I wasn’t even the one to feed him as he was tube fed. Our important bonding time had been completely disrupted and I know this affected us. It was obviously what needed to happen to keep him safe and no ones fault. Nonetheless it temporarily paused our time of getting to know each other before it had even begun. It took me quite a few months to get into the swing of motherhood and for things to start settling down. In the beginning nothing felt like I thought it was meant to. From what I had been told, from what I had seen. Why wasn’t I bubbling over with love? Why did I feel like we had made a terrible mistake? Everything I had ever wanted was not how I had imagined. I’ve since realised this is also a very natural reaction of becoming a mother, a parent. Its so overwhelming, so consuming that your fight or flight kicks in. Your not weak for feeling like you want to run away, you just need some extra support while you get the hang of everything.

 Me and my husband had our first date night on February 15th when Jaxon was 2 months and 9 days old. Much needed time together. The night I succumbed to my first sip of alcohol since having the baby. A few too many jaeger bombs led to accidentally started the journey again and doubling the chaos… baby number two, Hunter. Hunters birth was much more straightforward and more what I imagine a ‘normal’ delivery to be like. I instantly fell in love. It was such a different experience to first time round. All the feelings I didn’t feel straight away with Jaxon surfaced immediately with Hunter. But whether you do get the instant rush of love or it takes you a while to bond, it’s ok. Neither is right or wrong. You haven’t failed your child for not feeling a certain way that you thought was meant to be programmed in to you. You are human. Sometimes love grows with time and sometimes it’s instant. Despite two very different starts, I would do anything for either of my children and love them equally. Everyone has their own story, yours is unique. Whether you have one on the way, little children or big adult children you need to know that mumma’s you are amazing and you should be so proud!

Emily

Hope

Posted on by Two under Two

As I sit here having a not so awful day, I have a ray of hope that maybe I’m not doing all that bad. The sun is shining and the babies are laughing. They are jabbering away to each other in their own little language which is adorable. They are happy, healthy and safe. Leading the life a child should, with no worries or stress. We have got to take the good with the bad. I’ve learnt with children it’s not so much good days and bad days, but good hours and bad hours. Those little buggers change their moods quicker than the wind. But when it’s a succession of bad hours that run into days it feels relentless. With the risk of sounding dramatic some days my very soul feels crushed. They wear me down so much until I feel I am a shell of a woman. With only one pair of hands sorting the simultaneous needs of two babies, as well as everything else life throws at you, is exhausting. I have my own mental health struggles, as many of us do, that definitely amplify day to day stresses for me. Sometimes it makes things ten times harder than they need to be. I don’t know how those with triplets or even more (can you imagine!) cope. Hats off to you mums. You are nothing short of incredible.


But the moments Jaxon (18 months) climbs into my lap to sing ‘row row row your boat’, melt me. The hope comes flooding back in. When hunter (7 months) just looks at me and laughs with his gummy little grin and milky chops, it completes me. Then someone poonami’s in a sleep suit and the second bath of the day begins. (If you don’t yet know what a poonami is.. good luck. And take my advice, just bin it. Don’t even waste your energy trying to save the garment.) It is a rollercoaster of emotions that never stops. But what keeps you going are those tiny humans that depend on you. You are their whole world.


With any luck the hard baby phase might just be starting to fade away. I will openly say I am not all that much a fan of the baby stage. The lack of sleep is pretty gruesome. Sleep when the baby sleeps does not apply when you also have a demanding toddler. Six months old is definitely the golden ticket to when things start to change. You start to feel as if you are turning a corner. You can start introducing your baby to solid food, generally they start to learn to crawl and maybe teeth will start cutting. The relentless bottles and nappy changes seem to ease up a bit and suddenly it isn’t so all consuming. They start to find their voices and realise they can hold toys in their hands. Although first time round six months felt like a life time, it really isn’t. Its such a small portion of yours and your babies life for better things (by that I mean more sleep) to come. So if your in the midst of the first six months, hang in there!


With the next phase for Jaxon being the imminent terrible twos and toddler tantrums, I still have hope. Hope that whatever is thrown at us a family will be conquered and overcome. Hope that we raise strong, decent men who know right from wrong. Hope that they are always there for one another to navigate through life and hope that one day they love me as much as I love them. I’m told the snippets of joy in between the tantrums and the teething we get now, get longer and longer as they grow. I know we will do our best to give these boys everything they need to thrive. I hope your reading this acknowledging how incredible you have been as a mother and as a parent. The silent selfless sacrifices you have made and continue to make for your children to be the best version of themselves. Above all I hope you know that you are never alone in your thoughts or emotions. Hope is what holds us together and stops everything falling apart. Hope is all you need to keep going. 

Emily.

The Witching Hour

Posted on by Two under Two

As parents we can all say that between the hours of 5pm-7pm have been some of the worst hours of our lives. Yes, the witching hour. Our family ‘hour of hell’ spreads over the whole two hour lead up to bed time. Tonight consisted of holding hunter (7 months) on my left hip, as he would cry every time I put him down, whilst feeding Jaxon (18 months) his dinner with my right hand. He is currently jealous that Hunter gets spoon fed and he has to feed himself. Hunter then proceeds to projectile vomit down the entire left side of my body while Jaxon is screaming that he’s just knocked his juice cup off the table. My phone then starts ringing for the 100th time today! And breathe… This is pretty normal to be honest and not the fore mentioned ‘worst hours’. Those hours are the ones I vividly remember all three of us sat in Jaxon’s’ bedroom around 6pm hysterically crying. The very thought of these moments make me shudder. They are nothing short of horrific. Neither child will be consoled and at the end of your tether there is no other option than to join in. But deep within you know this can only be momentary as if you don’t pull your shit together who will get there pyjamas on and put them to bed? So you wipe the tears, get up and carry on. A strength you never knew you had. To want to run away yet protect your babies with the instincts of a lioness all in one go is a confusing mix of emotions. You don’t want to do this anymore, yet it’s all you’ve ever wanted. You want to be alone, but you never want them to leave you. It’s ok to feel these things. It’s normal. Its confusing. It’s unconditional love. 

It’s not just the human babies that have this witching hour, my very best friend says that her fur baby also has this hour of madness. Her puppy, manu. He also gets up at 6am much like my 7 month old. I’ve assured her its fabulous practice for procreation. So to all the mothers out there of whatever species, you’ve got this and you are doing amazing. We endure the witching hours together in solidarity knowing that first sip of wine after the kids have gone to bed will be utterly blissful. Another day accomplished with at least one second of the day where no one was crying or whinging is, quite frankly, a winner. As you can tell my expectations of what consists of a successful day has dramatically lowered since having children. But I know we are truly blessed to have a roof over our heads, food in our tummy’s and  loved ones by our sides. All I truly want for our children is to know how completely loved they are and how much happiness they bring amongst the chaos. Everyday Jaxon is learning new words. Seeing his little mouth trying to work out how to say the right word is the sweetest thing to watch. When he gets it right I genuinely feel like we have won gold at the Olympics. The little person that you made is learning and growing. Its the most beautiful, heart warming thing to watch and be a part of.

As hellish as the witching hour can be there have also been the fondest memories during this time. The four of us dancing around the living room to music, Jaxon showing us some cracking dance moves only a one and a half year old would pull out the bag. His dancing is hilarious and can brighten any situation. I’m clearly biased, but its true. The time he had been a little sod all day but was finally sat calmly with my husband during the witching hour. Watching ‘in the night garden’, (thanks to the creators of this much loved children’s tv programme for giving me many moments of calm at bedtime!) I waved at him from the other side of the room with hunter on my lap. He smiled and waved back for the very first time. I cried. It literally erased all the frustration of the day. The time my husband had a quick whip round with the hoover which ended in chasing Jaxon around the living room. He was hysterically laughing his head off, like it was the funniest thing in the world.

So endure the witching hour for what it is, the good, the bad, the utterly frustrating. The wine is chilling and its not long until you can switch off. When you first wake in the morning to the alarm sound of ‘crying baby’ you never know for sure which way the day will swing. But you know you’ll do your very best and that, my friends, is enough.

Emily.

Milestones

Posted on by Two under Two

The things you now get excited about as a parent are quite unexpected. From the small milestones such as changing your babies nappy for the first time or leaving the house with your new baby all on your own. To the bigger milestones when your baby first rolls over or when that windy smile turns into a real gummy grin. When your baby poos after not going for days you will do a celebratory dance. Seeing that little sharp peg of a first tooth coming through will get you teary eyed. The first time they say mummy will erase any negativity you’ve ever felt about them in a heartbeat. I could go on.

 I was incredibly impatient for each of Jaxon’s (who is now 18 months) milestones to materialise. For him to grow faster so that the next milestone could be met. I would religiously record every single detail in his baby book not wanting to forget a thing. With hunter (6 months) I know he will be my last baby and I feel like I want him to stay little forever. I still record most details in his baby book but inevitably I do forget and some details may be counterfactual. As much as he is a sicky, dribbling, sleep stealer he’s also one of the happiest babies I’ve ever met. Jaxon on the other hand, my first child, seemed to be a miserable baby (sorry darling, but you really were) and nothing pleased him. He despised sleep on another level to your average baby. Hated being on his tummy, hated to be held and would physically push you away. He was incredibly testing. Nothing and nowhere seemed to calm him. He had a rocky start into the world and I’ve always wondered if this affected his early months. It definitely affected our bonding and we took a long while to get used to each other. The ‘instant love’ so many new parents speak of was not present for me and Jaxon. We grew to love each other and that’s ok.

Hunters current favourite place is in one of the most simplistic old school baby bouncers (we got sucked in to the expensive spinning/vibrating/musical chairs which he did not much enjoy! Try before you buy where possible.) either watching me cooking in the kitchen or in front of the tv. Perfect! First time round I would never of dreamt of plonking my child in front of the tv. The ‘first time mum’ me would have labelled this as lazy parenting. Which was a good job as Jaxon hated the tv, shock. But second time round I am more than happy if he is happy. I know that he also gets all the other interaction and stimulation he needs. I am definitely a more relaxed parent the second time round. Parenting is hard enough without sweating the small stuff and feeling worried about being judged by others on your choices. You know your child, you know what is best. Don’t forget that. 

Choose. Your. Battles. Is one of the best bits of advice I can give you. If Jaxon wants to play with the fruit bowl, bite every single apple in there and put it back, then go for it. I’ve had at least 6 minutes of peace. If he wants to empty out the tv cabinet, go wild. That means I can have a cuppa. (I’m joking, I can’t. I’m probably changing the other ones bum or cleaning up puke!) I don’t particularly want him to do these things but if I don’t have the stamina to argue with a toddler once again then I will let certain situations go. There’s plenty more opportunities to set out the boundaries and behavioural correction when you have the mental capacity. I’m not saying let them run riot but if your on your 4th tantrum of the day and all he wants is to play with my make up then I’m probably going to turn a blind eye. This will conserve energy for the bigger disagreements we have!

The milestones are coming thick and fast this time with Hunter and I’m not quite ready for all the change. Six months has literally flashed before my eyes and has no sign of slowing down. As much as being depended on is completely draining, it’s also incredibly fulfilling. Imagining a time when they run off into school without looking back, not needing me so much any more, hurts my heart. But alas this will be another milestone to endure. 

Emily.

Good Intentions

Posted on by Two under Two

I have just started a new routine, in which the kids morning nap time is in sync, so I actually get a short break. Having one napping, one awake, one feeding then the other feeding was just getting too much. So now we do everything together which seems to be going well. I always have good intentions of putting the washing away, actually showering and putting on clothes or doing a workout. But most of the time I get lost in my phone sat on the edge of my bed and before I know it I’ve got 10 minutes to get my shit together before the youngest one wakes up. Because sometimes it’s just so DAMN NICE to be able to do that. Those days are the ones where motivation gets lost in the post and everyone is eating chicken nuggets. But on the days the motivation fairy sprinkles her magic I have showered AND washed my hair. (I know, I can’t quite believe it either) I’ve got dressed and started the kids a healthy version of fish and chips with a HOMEMADE cucumber and yoghurt dip. Fancy. Standing ovation. I am, in fact, Supermum. 

The very moment the thought even enters your head that today may be a good day, the kids bring you right back down to earth. Hunter (6 months) will puke in my freshly washed hair and Jaxon (18 months) will be having a tantrum. Todays tantrum started because I wouldn’t let him play with washing tablets he eyed up earlier as I was putting the washing on. How awful a mother I must be for not letting you eat pure poison. I digress, the tantrums are in fact getting quite bizarre. There is a current obsession with bottles and lids but obviously lids get taken away. (choking hazard, cue tantrum) Our daily battle with the sun cream. He’s obsessed with it. Sitting and pretending to put it on but mostly eating it. The moment I take it away all hell breaks loose. I now have to turn into David Copperfield as I slyly apply the sun cream without him even seeing the bottle. This careful execution is totally worth the avoidance of previously mentioned meltdown. It baffles me the lengths I will go, to avoid this and many similar tantrums. Your energy from 6am-7pm is precious so you definitely need to avoid emotional explosions where possible.

With all the crap that usually happens by 8am I am, more often than not, ready to call it a day. But as much as there routine is monotonous it is also what gets you through the day. When your ready to jack it all in at 8am and hide behind the sofa with a bottle of gin, you realise that there’s only another hour and half to go before morning nap time. When they wake up it’s lunch. Then one of them has afternoon nap time, so only one to entertain. Then a group activity, which has mostly consisted of daily walks during lockdown. Then by 4pm dinner, bath and bed begins. Making it to bedtime without loosing your shit is a massive parent win. The relief of putting happy, safe, healthy children to bed is simply wonderful. Then you sit down, fall asleep within the hour and groundhog Day begins again. 

There’s no doubt the early years are lonely, isolating and a pretty damn hard slog. But they’re also filled with love, laughter and slobbery kisses. There little personalities starting to shine through doing the funniest things, with the purest hearts and inability to feel anything other than freedom of emotion. How liberating that would be if adults were capable of applying this to their own existence. Toddlers express everything to the very best of there ability without being able to speak. Imagine that for a second. The frustration you would feel to not be able to communicate properly. It would be overwhelming, all consuming and sometimes just all too much to process. To stand back and realise this puts a lot of things into perspective. Don’t get me wrong when he’s mindlessly whinging and screeching his head off of course I start loosing my mind. I don’t remember any of this rationality. But to recognise it must mean I am growing as a parent, as a person.

Emily.

Purpose

Posted on by Two under Two

I am writing this on a particularly bad day. Mums, you know the ones. Everyone’s whinging and its nearly dinner, bath & bed. The youngest is doing the over tired cry and the eldest, actually he’s not being too bad. Maybe it’s me. I’ve tried his bouncer, the pram, calming music and the baby carrier. All I know is I can’t deal with this for another two hours. After everyone’s fed I bundle us in the car just in their nappies and vests and we go for a drive. Hunter (6 months) is just dropping off and Jaxon (17 months) screams. FML. Turn classic FM up and just keep driving.
I feel emotionally and physically drained today and cannot wait for nursery to re-open Monday. It will only be one afternoon away from both children but it will make all the difference. They need it as much as me. Lockdown has been tough on all of us in so many different ways, for me it’s been not having any social interaction. What keeps me going on a regular week is baby groups and seeing my mum friends. I have been on maternity leave continuously since November 2018 (20 months) and have completely lost sight of who I am. It’s been a tough old journey into motherhood whilst trying to be a good wife, friend, sister etc. Don’t get me wrong I am incredibly lucky to have two happy, healthy boys. What more could you want? But it’s definitely ok to say ‘Today I am struggling’, ‘Sometimes I wish I wasn’t in the midst of nappies, milk & naps’, ‘I would like to have some time to myself’. The thing is pre-baby, meeting my husband and working full time, it’s all I dreamt of. A family all of my own. Now I have that and find some days such a struggle that I start questioning everything. So exactly what is my purpose if I thought it was being a mother and now I am not so sure. (Jaxon is currently kicking the Laptop; I think he wants my attention. Be right back)
Where was I.. So yes my purpose. Two under two. Is tough. My husband is incredibly hard working and is an excellent father. But the times he’s working/out on his bike/at the pub its incredibly lonely and isolating. I’m hoping my imminent return to work will lift my spirits but at the same time I’m completely anxious about going back. I’m anxious about missing out on one dinner, bath, bed once a week. Am I bi-polar?!  This is not a woe is me post, there are people far worse off but we are allowed to talk about what is going on in our own heads. I am 100% sure I am not alone in my thoughts. The truth is I’m not sure what my purpose is but maybe its ok that I don’t know yet. I’m trying to raise two small humans without being put into a mental home, that for now, is enough.

Emily.